Does sexual desire matter?

I'm talking about sexual desire. What do you think? Does it matter to want to have intercourse?

Does desire influence pleasure?

I think it does. I think that the desire to have sex or to masturbate, sexual desire is a very important ingredient for sexual pleasure.

Though to get aroused and have an orgasm is not entirely dependent on sexual desire you must admit that it does help.

Getting �horny� (and I mean this in the best way possible) is in fact a quite important asset in the road to orgasm. Face it, if you're not horny arousal, pleasure and orgasm don't come as fast as they should... they might not even come at all.

The nasty thing about sexual desire is that, though it is necessary, women are quite often denied the right to admit they have sexual desires. If they do admit they are perceived by most as being �libertine� to say the least.

If you didn't know by now I think I should tell you that desire is normal. And more than that, it is normal to have sexual desire even if you are not in love. Moreover, sexual desires should not be ignored, suppressed.

In women, physical stimulation is very important for arousal, but it is not as important as mental stimulation.

Another thing that does matter is the kind of tension you are experiencing.
If your body accumulates sexual tension you'll most likely experience orgasm as a way to discharge the tension. Sexual tension is the result of sexual stimulation, both mental and physical.

If your body accumulates negative tension you'll most likely what to dig a hole and bury yourself until the mood you're in goes away. Negative tension builds up from the negative feelings you have, towards you and whatever is around you.

If instead of sexual tension you're feeling negative tension build up you'll probably have trouble in getting aroused and/or have orgasms.

Why? Because the �bad� tension is a way in which the body protects its self, it's a defense mechanism. So instead of getting aroused you'll just want to run and hide in a dark corner.

Because the negative tension is a defense mechanism it will prevent anything from �intruding� in your �safe� space. That includes a penis, vibrator, even your own hand.

You know that in order to enjoy any sexual activity you must be relaxed and feel good. If you are filled with negative thoughts you're almost sure to have a failed sexual experience.

Negative tension prevents the discharge of sexual tension. It's just like having two locked rooms one after the other. If you want to going the room at the back you must first enter the room at the front. But for that you have to open the front door. When you release negative tension you unlock the first door and only then you are able to open the second door and release sexual tension.

So think about this: if while you masturbate you feel guilty about it and frustrated about doing it you've just locked yourself outside. You must first open the first door and let the negative frustration go and only then try to open the second door.

So I think that if you're so angry and upset you want to cry it's better to cry. Only after you have released the bad tension my crying you can enjoy a fulfilling sexual experience.

OK... negative tension... everyone has it and I'm not helping you talking about its existence and its effects. What I know will help you is to give you a few tips on how to release it. I hope they work for you. Here goes:

Breathe deeply. Don't laugh... it really helps. Find a quiet spot and close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose and hold your breath as much as it feels comfortable then breathe out through your mouth. Do the breathing exercises until you begin to feel your body a bit more relaxed.
It's a good idea if you do the breathing before you begin to masturbate and before having sex.
Make sure you have �ME time�. It's easier to get time just for you when you live alone, but if you're working and are married and have kids this can be quite a challenge. So I suggest you �get rid� of the kids and hubby at least once a week for an hour or two.
What you choose to with the time you got for yourself is up to you. But it must not be catching up with work or going over your bills or anything stressful. Just find out what relaxes you and do it. For example I watch a football game, swear and drink beer... oh... and eat peanuts... and burp... sadly a game only lasts 1 hour and 30 minutes... and my girlfriend can't stay away from me longer... but this is not about me is it?
So just DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO AND NEVER HAD TIME FOR.
Try to contract and relax all the muscles in your body. You have to know how your muscle feel when you're tense and how they feel when they're relaxed.

What else matters?
Loving yourself the way you are. But to do that you must first know yourself.

So you might want to explore your vulva with your fingers and you might want to look at yourself in the mirror while doing it. It will not only show you that nothing bad happens if you touch your genital area, but it will also allow you to know yourself, know a part of your body that gives you pleasure.

Did you ever consider shaving or trimming your pubic hair? It is not only hygienic, but it also allows you to better explore your genital region. Also, another thing you can do is to begin touching your vulva as often as you can (nobody has to know).

Hang around the house naked, let your vulva �breathe� instead of choking it with underwear and cut the blood flow with tight fitting pants. Go to the super-market wearing a long dress and no panties. Not only will it make you feel naughty but it will also allow your vulva to get a better blood flow.

And think about this : the perfect body does not exist!
Why can't you be happy with the body you have huh? Why? Do you really need to compare your body to women that starve themselves to death and whose bodies have undergone plastic surgery?

I don't think so!
Oh, and another thing... look at the man you love... I'm sure you do love him a lot but there are some things about his body you don't like. See, he's not perfect either. So don't feel compelled to be perfect. Perfection is boring.

COMMENTS

Ian
my girlfriend and I have been together for four years. When ever I try to have sex with her she always says she's to tired or not in the mood. When we do have sex she never wants to do certain positions or tells me to hurry and get it over with. My girlfriend also can only have a orgasm when I perform oral sex, which she rarely lets me do. I try to switch things up with her so its not the same thing over again, but she'll make a bad comment to ruin the mood or make it really awkward. I try to talk to her a bout it but it quickly turns into a bad conversation. Sex is like pulling weeds with her. What do I do?

Alex's answer:

Has she been sexually abused in the past? It seems like she has an issue with intimacy and the act of sex in general, as well as low self esteem when it comes to sex. Most women only have orgasms clitorally so that is nothing to worry about. Just have a talk with her about how you feel and open up communication about how to talk during sex, and what not to say to kill the mood etc. If this doesn't work, I guess you can consider finding someone else. This is your call, after you try everything, what else can you do? I myself am a very sexual person, and could not stay with someone whom I am not sexually compatible, regardless of how much I love them.

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